Sipping some tea

I'm at home tonight. Been working on studio work since last night. We have a final on Tuesday and I want to finish everything by tomorrow so I can relax a little bit. I just came back from a daily run and now I'm drinking some tea that I bought from Chinatown.

Chrysanthemum Flower Bud!

My grandmother has been staying over for the past couple of days and I feel so bad for not spending any time with her because of the huge amount work I have...She is very understanding though, but I feel bad and miss her.

I love her very much. I didn't get the chance to grow up with my grandparents and relatives around me like my cousins since I was born in Sweden, so my relationship with them is very different. The closeness I have with my grandmother is very different than my cousins...they hug her constantly and kiss her and tell her out loud that they love her. I am not used to showing affection like that. I hug her too, but I don't show off my love...if that makes sense? It's kind of understood...I would do anything for her, but I don't talk about it....We just have this silent connection where she knows how much I love her and I know how much she loves me. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't even know why I'm talking about this, but whatever! I love my grandmother. She is my mom's mom and her name is Isabel. I have never met my dad's mom because she died before I was born. My parents had moved to Sweden in the late 70s and she died a short while after from a stroke. My dad rarely spoke of her when I was young...I only knew her name...Tello. But as I've grown up, he's told me more and more. I wish I knew her...from what he's told me, she was really strong and loving.

My grandfather from my mom's side died in 1997 I believe. His name was Aram. My mom didn't take it well at all. I remember being scared and uncomfortable at home because I didn't like hearing my mom's cries. I felt sorry for her because she didn't have any relatives around that could comfort her. My dad, my sister, and I tried our best to be there for her. When I was born, my grandparents from my mom's side came and visited us in Sweden. They stayed with us for a couple of months, but I was too young to remember anything...obviously. The last time I saw my grandfather was in 1992. We had a family renunion in Armenia. I was five years old and I hadn't met any of my relatives up to that point.

My grandfather Aram and I <3

My grandfather from my dad's side I only got to meet once. I was two or three when he visited us in Sweden, so I don't remember him that well. His name was Daniel. My dad always tells wonderful stories about him. I wish I could have known him. He died a few years ago and unfortunately, my dad never got to see him again after his visit.

I love my grandparents for being good parents to my mom and dad. I love my parents <3 They have been so good to me. We've been through a lot...but it's alright. We can handle it.

OKAY. BACK TO THIS SCHOOL CRAP. I hope you guys are having a good weekend <3

GUESS WHERE I WAS TODAY!

I walked into my 9 am class today and my professor told us that he was gonna end class early today because he had to go to the site where a house that he has designed is in the process of being built. He told us that we could go with him and look at the progress if we wanted to, so my friend and I decided to go~ The house is located in the mountains of Hollywood and it's beautiful. It's been so incredibly hot here in LA today...we were melting while standing up there, but it was worth it. The house is designed so that A/C is not necessary. Even though it was super hot outside, the inside of the house was cool and breezy. My favorite part of the house was the "backyard". There are stairs that go all the way up the mountain that the house sits on. All the way at the top, there is a hiking trail! It was very narrow and my friend and I were scared of falling down, but we managed...especially after seeing the incredible view.

My feet were burning up.

I was waiting for the temperature to go down at night so I could jog , but that's not happening.....I'm gonna jog anyway~~ I hope you guys are having a good week so far. Take care <3

THE BALLONA CREEK ADVENTURES

Second week of school has finished (2/16...yes I am counting) and I am starting to get back into it again. I have a studio class like always. This studio is focused on water. We are exploring Ballona Creek which is an old waterway in Los Angeles. Once upon a time, the Los Angeles River used to run through Ballona and end up in Marina del Rey. In 1835, there was a huge flood which shifted the river's course to Long Beach, where it still flows to today. This past week I have been researching and going to visit the site with my studio. On Tuesday, we visited the A + D Museum (where my friend got me Bjarke Ingels' signature). They had an exhibit about Los Angeles called RETHINK LA. After that we walked up to a museum where Ballona Creek runs underneath. There were some fenced in areas that we couldn't get into, but we could hear the water flowing through. After resting under the shade for a few minutes (it was scorching hot), we walked all the way down to Culver City...trying to follow the course of the creek. By the end of the day I was exhausted. I got home at 8:30 and had to start my homework for my Contemporary Issues class (which I like a lot so far) due the next day. Friday morning I had my Urban Design Theory class. I ate lunch and then my friend loaded our bikes on his car and we drove down to Venice Blvd. (Culver City). We met up with the rest of our class and biked to a park which connected to the Ballona Creek bike path. We rode for a good 40 minutes with stops here and there so we could observe the area and take photos. It was almost 6 pm when my friend and I decided to "ditch" our group and ride our bikes all the way back to our car. I got home at 8. I ate and then went to bed.

Outfit of the day.

Viewing the exhibit at the A + D. Me in the back on the right!

The beginnings of the creek were disappointing. It was gross and there was no water flowing through.

But the more we walked, the more water we saw.

I'm the third one if you count from the back forward!

I am now sitting in my room re-reading Rurouni Kenshin and watching Cowboy Bebop at the same time. Multitasking at its best.

I've been focusing on work this week so I haven't really had time to be sad. I've had several moments where I broke down for a bit, but hugging my crocodile helped me feel a little better. I'm working on it. I'll get there~

Thank you everyone <3

Heart Hugs

I have no idea where to begin, so I'm just going to write my thoughts out as they come to me. Bare with me!

First of all, thank you guys so much. Your words warm my heart when it is the coldest. Even when I write emo crap that makes me cringe when I read it a few days later, you guys tell me the most wonderful things. I have never met any of you, yet you are like my bros. I can't begin to describe how I feel. I love you guys.

This summer has been one of the worst and I have been so unbelievably sad. I have never cried so much in my life time as I have these past months. It's been bad because it has made me doubt so many things about myself. My confidence, energy, passion, and emotions just sunk so low that life became tasteless. I haven't had the desire to do anything at all. Just cry and cry and cry and cry some more. I am so deeply hurt that I am afraid of doing anything. Everything else becomes a huge burden. If something bad happens at school, my bitterness is only amplified because of my original sadness. It's horrible and I started hating myself for being so ridiculously sad. But I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop myself from feeling this way. When you feel so much love for someone and something goes terribly wrong, it's hard to control your emotions. It's been a heavy weight on my heart and I am having a tough time functioning like a normal person. I am not the best writer and I have a hard time explaining how I feel with words, so I try to paint to express myself but unfortunately, that hasn't helped me feel any better. I have isolated myself from people and I feel very alone and it depresses me. I don't want to socialize with anyone, but I want someone around me because I'm afraid of being alone. I have always had guy friends and they have been great, but I have always secretly wished for a girlfriend who is like a sister. But I have such a hard time opening up to girls because of past incidents, but I wish I had a girlfriend who would drive over and pick me up and let me cry and hug me and give me advice. I have never had that in my life and for that reason, I keep my problems to myself and they eat away at me.

I'm not okay and I don't feel like I'm going to be okay for a long while, but your kind words really make me happy even thought I am sad.  I cry whenever I read your touching words and they make me want to be happy again, like how I used to be.

Amazing things are happening to people around me. They are happy and I envy their happiness. But a good envy. I want to be happy too. I want to use all that positive energy that they are emitting to help me focus on myself and become a happy person.

It's hard and I know I'll relapse and be an emo loser maybe right after I write this (because it happens constantly), but writing this post will be a reminder that occasionally I have happy thoughts and that I need to give them my attention every now and then.

I'm grateful for everything I have in my life. My goal for the rest of my life is to be happy.

Thank you guys so much. Please accept my heart hugs <3

(please excuse my bad grammar/spelling errors if you read them. i am lazy right now).

PS. I bought Carl Sagan's book, Cosmos, today.....and it made me happy <3