Today was HORRIBLE. My mom has been feeling really bad this past week and has been up every night because of pain. I get up in the middle of the night and help her out and my dad is always by her side, getting her medicine if she needs it or massaging her arms and legs whenever he can. This past week they have seen three new doctors. We try to figure out a system with her medicine so she doesn't overdose on all that crap but so she has enough of it in her system so she doesn't feel so much pain. It is really hard to balance everything out.
My mom is like two people to me. Her super hyper mode, where her movement is exaggurated and she talks loudly and looses her balance as she is talking. Eats a lot of useless crap, promises she will exercise but never does. Gets angry really easily and is difficult to talk to.
Then there is her other side...the one that is in a lot of pain...the one who can't move cause of the pain that begs and cries for me to help her up...to help her get dressed, to take off her shoes cause she can't...to bring her water, to feed her, etc.
I don't like either. But as much as it pains me to say this, I like her better when she is in pain, cause at least that is her. She is not drugged up and obnoxious.
Today we went to my parents office so I can install new software on the computers. I try to help my dad out as much as I can cause I know things are super tough for him. I am his rock and will always be. We told my mom we were going to the office and she said she'd come with us. We warned her that it was gonna take a long time and she said it was fine.
An hours later...the pain kicks in. She becomes helpless. My dad doesn't know what to pay attention to and my mom gets hurt that he was a minute late. She starts yelling and everything just went downhill from there. In the morning (while I was asleep) my mom had taken the wrong pill.....she then started accusing my dad...saying that he gave her the wrong pill on purpose. In the office, she started yelling very hurtful things. She began yelling at me too...saying that I always take my dad's side. She accused both of us for wanting her to die....almost as if we are planning something.
I tried to hold myself together. I called my sister...she was at her LSAT class......I told her "mom has gone crazy again, I don't know what to do". It's become this regular thing. She told me she'd pick me up when she was done. My mom's behaviour got worse and worse...she was trying to break things. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was yelling out nonsense.
I called my aunt, who I really don't like...but I had no other choice, and told her to drive to our house cause maybe my mom would calm down if she saw her. My mom yells the ENTIRE car ride back....this whole time I had been recording her voice with my phone. I don't know why I did that. Maybe just as proof....I dunno...to remind myself that I'm not crazy...that this shit really is happening. We got home and my aunt was there. My mom started yelling at all of us...trying to lock us out of the house. We got in....I started to pack my laundry...gather all of my things so that I could go back to the apartment. As I am folding the laundry, she tries to come yell mean things to me, but my dad stands in the way...then she starts yelling at her.
My sister calls me and says she is stuck in traffic...so I call my best friend. Our other friend is with him. Only my best friend knows my situation and I didn't want my other friend to know....but I was so desperate. He said he'd come pick me up with our friend. Twenty minutes later my sister calls me and asks me to get her charger from the house....I had been waiting on the driveway for my friends all that time....So I go back inside and my mom starts yelling at me again. I hurry out...but my aunt follows me. By this time I was crying really hard. At the same time my friends pull in. My aunt tries to stop me from going, saying that I should stay and talk, but I was so hurt and angry that I wanted to go away. My friend comes out of the car and picks up some of my things and my aunt starts talking to him. As they are making small talk, I'm just standing next to them crying. I can see my other friend looking at us from the car. I felt so embarassed and helpless and just....I don't know...it was a horrible feeling. But at the same time...I didn't care anymore.
My aunt tries to keep me there....my dad hears her and comes out and tells her to let me go. Then my mom runs out and starts yelling....she didn't know that my friends where there...otherwise she wouldn't have dared to come out.
My friends take me to my apartment so I can drop off my stuff...and then I get my sister who got home by that time. She cried and hugged me and I told her to come with me.
What everyone tells me is that "Lorik please please remember that it's not your mom talking, it's the drugs!"
All I can say to that now is that I don't give a fuck. It's too much for me. I can't live like this....giving her the right to verbally abuse me, to tear my family apart, just because she can't keep her mouth shut. I don't care if she is my mom anymore. I really could care less. She is ruining my life. I understand that it's not her, but I am a person too. I have a limit. I can't go running back to her just because I feel her pain...and then have her stab me in the heart. I know she loves me. I know she feels bad about these episodes, but enough is enough. She has always been hard headed and unreasonable when she gets angry. Add some drugs to that and you get this impossible force that doesn't understand any logic. It's like yelling at a wall. My mom is like a fucking wall.
My sister talked to her two hours ago. She said that she sounded really sad....that she could hear the regret in her voice. I don't know what to do. If I see her now...I would want to kick her in the face. Stuff from her childhood that she is still not okay with are plaguing her....she always has to bring them up when she is upset.....her parents loved the oldest daughter more...and she was always neglected. They thought they were being great parents, when their stupid backward ways of thinking created this sorrow in my mom. And now....years and years later, she acts like a little kid because of it. But it's not fair to me. It's not fair to my sister or my dad....that we have to deal with this bullshit.
Sometimes I wish for her to be gone just so I can live my life in peace...but those days when she truly is doing better....I am so happy she is there and I feel guilty for thinking like that.
Now I don't know anymore. I KNOW she is never getting better. I know that....she is never gonna turn her life around because she thinks there is this magic pill that will solve all her problems...so she is just waiting. I can't wait anymore. There was a line drawn...and she has crossed that lines TOO many times. I can't forgive her anymore. I have a hard time saying "i love you" to her....She is not my mom anymore. She is a monster and I have to accept it and learn to move on.
This is how my breaks from school are always like....me crying helplessly and wishing I was dead.
