Where to begin. I don't know where to begin. I am a complete mess at the moment. I have been for a long time now and I am surprised that I am still able to present myself as a normal person in public. I am constantly checking myself to stay strong, to keep going and not use my problems as an excuse as to why I am not able to do work. But it is getting harder and harder and I can feel that the seams that have been tightly sown to hold my feelings are quickly begining to rip. I have no control of my life anymore and it scares me to death. I try to fill the time inbetween school and homework with being happy, but my work load has gotten pretty heavy recently, and it robs me of my personal time, so when I do hang out with friends, I feel guilty or stressed cause I should be doing homework instead. So. What is causing all this stress? So many things...woven together, to create this complex fabric consisting of bad memories, feelings, chronic illness, and bad communication.
My mom has been a great mom to me. But she has also been a bad mom. She would freak out a lot...stress out and get angry whenever things didn't go her way. If people were coming over, she would be like a monster...making sure everything was clean, telling us we were lazy for not helping (I was 6) and starting fights with my dad just cause she couldn't control herself. I would get so scared of her outburts that one time, I took my younger sister to our room, put her in our closet and gave her my barbies to play with. I told her not to come out of the closet. I went and sat by my window and waited for our family friends to come over...praying that they would come faster so that my mom would stop. Basically...I have grown up being afraid of my mom. It is a really weird things to understand. I have just recently figure this out, and that is why all this stress has just appeared. I started standing up for myself more...trying to break free from this fear that I have had since childhood. Trying to learn not to feel guilty over every little thing I do. To live peacefully. But my mom, who is older and can not change her ways is having a hard time accepting this. So we clash a lot. I haven't talked to her in a month now. I say hi and bye, but we don't really interact. This is because a month ago, she kept on stressing and saying things to me that I exploded and told her off. I told her that she must realize that if she keeps this up, when I leave, I will choose if I want to include her in my life or not - I will do whatever it takes to have a good life. I think she got the point, but at the same time she didn't. The next day, she tried to talk to me like always, but I wouldn't say anything. A week went by and you could cut the tension in our house with a knife. My dad would constantly talk to me, try to see what was up. Two weeks later, my mom started feeling bad physically. She would get very emotional but I would not care. Three weeks some really bad things occured where she tried to talk to me, and I thought she had changed or realized that all I wanted from her was an apology and some understanding, but everything I said got thrown back at me and I ran away and hung out with my best friend for the day till late at night. Then...my mom went to the emergency room cause she had really bad head aches. The doctors said that if she hadn't come in time, she might have suffered from a stroke....he also said that this might have been caused from emotional stress...emotional stress becuase she is sad that we aren't talking. I believe that...I really do. My mom loves me with all her heart. I believe that. Now with this in mind, here is the next problem.
My mom has Parkinsons. It is something that we don't talk about with others because my mom is embarrased and scared. She doesn't want people to think of her less. Every moment of everyday, she is in pain. Her muscles become stiff and her head feels like it is exploding all the time. My poor dad has read so many books on how to eat, what supplements to take, what kind of massages are good. We own two juicers to make vegetable juices for my mom to drink. We have all sorts of fish oils tablets, magnesium, vitamins, etc etc etc. All we think about is how to take care of her and what will be best for her. My dad is so strong, but I can tell he is breaking down...he is tired...it's not easy when everything is on your shoulders...when you know your wife is in a chronic condition that will only get worse. It is hard for us...it's so hard. Every night I cry and hope that things will get better. But it is hard to have hope when she gets worse everyday....when all you hear is your mom in the other room crying in pain. It is really hard to do homework, to think. It is hard to be happy. All I have is a couple of close friends who I can hang out. They really cheer me up, and most of the time I feel bad caues I'm so depressing. I was never a person to cry, but now I cry so often. I'm scared about the future...I'm scared that my mom won't be there if I ever get married. My dad signed us up for family therapy so that we could all learn to cope with these problems and it really helps me. I get to talk about all of my problems and my feelings. I told the therapist that I have started to condition myself to the idea that my mom might not be here soon...and that scares me. She said that it was something completely normal and that I shouldn't be scared. But is hard.
There are a lot of other things going on too concerning my mom and I, but I think this was enough for now. I want to go into more of the details, but I can't cause I'm just tired. This is what is on my mind every day...it really drains me. It has just finally hit me that my mom is sick...that my life won't be like it used to be. I am scared of what my mom will be like in a few years....pain is horrible...I don't want to see my mom deteriorate infront my eyes...
I am sorry for spelling/grammar errors. I just wrote this up without thinking.
