I don’t know where to start so I’ve just added a bunch of photos from the last days of school and the past week.

Went to a place called Tender Greens in Pasadena on Wednesday with the family. Was a nice change. Everyone was happy.

My bro dad.

Went to a gallery that my school owns in Hollywood to check out my friends’ work.

After the gallery, I went to a concert.

Coldplay was great. The energy in the audience was greater. I can only describe this concert as a huge party. HUGE party. It was so much fun.

Went to see the Avengers with my friends. My wallet wearing my 3D glasses. I hate 3D.

Hawkeye giving us a quick lesson before the movie begins.

New wallpaper.

Sent this to my dad.

Ponchik came to visit me.

La Chouffe.

Cutting my boards on the ground.

The aftermath.

Final presentation pinned up.

The morning of my final.

My socks got wet after I walked to school in the rain. My friend brought me dry ones for me to wear.

My lovely notes to my bro.

It’s been two weeks since my final presentation. It’s been weird adjusting to ‘normal’ life. I’ve only thought of studio since I came back from India and now there is this emptiness. This semester has been one of the best I’ve had. I learned a lot but more importantly, I grew more confident with not only school stuff but in communicating and meeting new people. I’ve made some wonderful friends this semester and every time I think about them, a smile creeps up on my face.

The problem I’m having now is getting reaquainted with the friends I already had. I miss my school friends because they know what I’ve gone through because they’ve done it themselves…we did it together. My family understands it as well to a certain degree. They had to eat dinners without me and went sometimes a week without seeing me because I was working in studio. They understand that side of it. They brought me food when I was hungry and offered their support…they knew I was doing something important and helped me as much as they could. It was difficult being home after my final because I became extremely bored. I wanted to go back to school and just talk to my friends. But I’ve since then gotten more used to spending time at home just reading or drawing. It’s nice learning how to take it easy again.

The friends I’ve already had have been great, but I don’t connect with them the way I used to before. Their lives are so different from mine. They have the luxury of waisting their time at hookah lounges for hours every day of the week and I can’t relate to that. They seem to be stuck doing the same thing every day…hanging out with the same people everyday…going to the same parties everyday. They all do it and it’s normal to them but for me looking in, it’s not normal at all. I didn’t relate to that stuff before this school business but now, more than ever, I feel disconnected from them. I love seeing them because I love them but something feels strained.

It’s been almost a year (I don’t remember the exact date anymore) since the person I love the most broke my heart into millions and millions of pieces. It’s been a tough year trying to cope with the loss and trying to reason with myself that everything will be okay. I’m still not 100% okay and I don’t think I will be for a good while since my feelings towards that person are the same but I’ve grown a lot stronger. I’ll have days when I won’t think about it at all and only have happy thoughts and feel as if I can do anything and then I’ll have days where certain people or things trigger the memories to come rushing and I’ll find myself crying in a corner somewhere. It’s tough dealing with those extreme feelings but there isn’t much I can do to control those occurrences. When it happens I just let myself cry, I hug my crocodile, I’ll listen to something happy – anything to ease the aching that is always always there no matter what I do.

During studio, I didn’t suffer as much because I was forced to think about school and I interacted with people who had no connection to him. Now, however, my mind is free from the burdens of school and so it wanders where it wants to and causes problems. My old friends are unaware of my feeling so I can’t speak to them openly and that isolates me more. They probably see no difference when they talk to me.

I’ve been reading a lot to try to distract myself. I’ve applied to a couple of internships and have already planned a schedule for making my new portfolio. I want to cram as much as I can into this summer to make the best out of everything and to make up for all I lost last summer, locked inside of my room, crying for weeks.

I’ve been imagining things for myself as a way to look forward to the future. I want to be a good person doing work I’m content with. I want to figure out new ways of helping my mom and being a better support for my dad. I want to reconnect with my sister. I want to get away from here more and more and see and experience new things instead of doing repetitive activities. As much as I love my friends, I want to do the complete opposite of what they are doing now.

I’m not completely sure what it is that I’m writing. I have so many thoughts and feelings inside of me that need to come out. I guess I’m just trying to sort everything out by writing here. I’m sorry if it seems random and makes little sense! I’m just defragmenting my brain with this.

My focus is to be happy and healthy. I’ll get there.

My eyelids are becoming heavier and heavier. Time for me to say good night <3

I apologize for vanishing. I’ve been extremely busy with school. Studio final is exactly a week away and I am very stressed out. I’m in studio right now (above photo was just taken for proof!) and it’s deathly quiet in here. Everyone is out except for my friend who sits across from me. I haven’t seen my parents properly in weeks. I miss them very much. I rarely see my sister. My grandmother is staying at our house for two weeks…a week has passed already and I’m not gonna see her this following week either. It’s been difficult dealing with family stuff and school at the same time, but I’ve taken comfort in coming to studio. I spend a lot of time here…way too much time. I’m constantly working on studio. I’m missing out on my social life, but I don’t care anymore. I’m kind of over it. People will either be there or not when I’m done with this. I can’t let my feelings hold me back. I’ll meet new people and be happy and I already have. Everyone in my studio is so wonderful. We spend days together working hard without days of sleep, but we joke around and eat together. It’s truly a great feeling. I’m sad this semester is coming to an end. I don’t know what I’m gonna do this summer without everyone.

Since I’ve been working so much, I try to snap photos here and there of small moments in my life because it’s easier than writing, so here are a few photos taken from my Instagram~

My Koko and I early in the morning. I know Koko isn’t a real being (DUHHH) but every morning before I leave, I kiss him goodbye and say “see you soon” even though I’ll come back the next day. And whenever I happen to go to bed I kiss him and say “good night Koko”. It’s comforting. He’s my bro.

Last week we had to print for building plan checks and the plotters were acting up like always. Out of frustration, I began drawing these horses on a whiteboard.

This is one of the laser cutters at my school. I hate laser cutters because I don’t trust it. I never anticipate things to go right with this thing.

This was my desk on either Monday or Tuesday night….I really can’t remember. I was working on my final for my Systems Integration class which was this past Wednesday. It went very well.

This is my Systems model. It’s not complete yet in this photo.

My old shoes. I was trying to count how many years I’ve had these shoes. I think I got them in 2006. I went camping with them in 2008 and they got really beat up and I was gonna throw them away. But then I started wearing them again…can’t part with them.

And old version of my one of my floor plans. I’m so sick of looking at it.

I woke up at 9:30 am on Tuesday, went to school, had studio, worked on my Systems Integration final till Wednesday morning. My friend lives far away so she slept over at my house. We got to my house at 8:30 am…slept till 10:00 am, got up and went to present our finals. I felt dead inside that entire day. I knocked out on my desk for two hours, tried to work a little bit before I called my dad to pick me up cause I was too tired to walk home. I ate something and then knocked out. I say “knocked out” a lot. Good.

Last weekend I was in studio and my friends and I were streaming Coachella while working. My cousin is at Coachella right now. ;_____;

My other bro.

A photo before falling asleep in studio.

I spoke to my professor today about my project and afterward I felt so stressed out because I realized just how much work there is to do till Friday. I stepped outside and tried to call several people just to talk to someone, but nobody was picking up. All of a sudden I got a text from a friend in studio and it cheered me up so much that I went skipped back inside and started working again~ MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME.

OKAY BACK TO WORK. It’s 12:30 am. My plan is to leave at 3 am! LET’S DO THIS!

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter~ I just came back home from an action packed weekend trip to Santa Barbara and SLO. I’m super tired but ready to take on whatever the week brings.

My cousins peer pressured me to get Instagram…so if anyone is interested, my username is lolokhod.

Have a happy week <3

Spring break is over and I’m back to school again~ This week has been pretty chill so far and probably will continue to be but I’m going to start working really hard on my project this week! No relaxing!

My friend and I went to Ikea today instead of going to studio…..horrible. But we needed a break. We each bought a chocolate bunny and ate ice cream~

Last week I was baby sitting my friend’s dog <3 These two photos are from Saturday. I took him for a walk around my school. I miss him ;______; Nobody to jump on me when I get home~

FOOD.

Father – daughter convo.

Jupiter (left) and lovely Venus (right). Love looking up and seeing them <3

Have a wonderful week everyone <3

I’ve always wanted an older brother…but my cousin is better than any brother I could have asked for. Even though we live so far apart, I feel the love <3 It feels good to know that someone’s got your back ~

I spent my Saturday with my close friends~ One of my friends is visiting Boston/NY for a week and I wanted to see him before he leaves~ We hung out in Silverlake and ate sushi and gelato. We petted huuuuugeeeee huskies <3 It was a nice day out~

My friend that’s leaving took these shots of us~ His sister is super tall <3 (especially with heels) so we pretended she was Gandalf and we were her hobbits~ Yayyyyy <3

I’m babysitting his corgi for a few days while he is gone….gonna go take him for a walk <3 SO CUUUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ~

I’m sitting in studio editing photographs from India and Dubai for an exhibition and I thought I’d share some. The exhibition is gonna be held on the 26th of March so I’ll have time to edit all the work I have during spring break which has just started!!!!!! Yay~

My midterm for studio was on Tuesday. I hadn’t slept in almost three days….It was painful, but being in studio with everyone else was still fun. This semester, studio doesn’t seem like a burden. I enjoy being here. Whenever I’m upset, I just walk to school and do my work in peace~ There is also always someone here from my class that I can talk to. <3

Okay! Gotta pack my stuff now! I’m gonna go eat and drink German sausages and beer at Wurstkuche with some friends <3
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend~

I had my first midterm yesterday and I’m still trying to recover. I hadn’t slept in two days so I felt like a dry, sleepy zombie. The presentation went well, so it’s all good. I went to the chiropractor right after and he cracked my neck and did some ultrasound treatment…it hurt so bad! I was telling him a story while he was working and at one point it hurt so bad I forgot what I was saying and I just closed my eyes. I tried to pick up where I’d left off, but again the pain was so bad I just stopped trying. He found that amusing. I felt really good after I left the place, but this morning I feel so sore. I need to do some stretches.

These are some flowers from my backyard. I love the violet colored ones. They are cute <3

The weather has been very inconsistent lately. Cold rainy days followed by sunny days.

My grandmother was over at our house this past week. She gave me a lucky penny.

My friend gave me his old Sailor Moon comic to cheer me up <3

I colored my nails a nude color over the weekend.

What I take everyday. Fish oil, Codliver oil, Flaxseed oil, Vitamin C, Zinc, Vitamin E. Not pictured that I also take: Vitamin D, Magnesium, and Chromium (the last two taste like death).

Yum.

Gonna take a shower and head over to studio for more work <3

Last night. We were trying to take some nice photos with our dad. He was trying his hardest not to laugh. All he said afterward was “Don’t put this on facebook.”